Wishes

A Woman was out golfing oneday when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you threewishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed tomention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And hewill be ten times richer than you.
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his ismine.'

So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mildheart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.


Male readers :Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show thatwomen never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Earthquake Damage

With all the news on TV lately about the hurricanes that America is experiencing, the typhoons in China, flooding in Switzerland and recent mud slides in South America, we shouldn't forget that the UK has its share of devastating natural disasters too.

Below is a photo illustrating the damage caused to my home from the earthquake that occurred recently.

It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things for granted.

Do take care of yourself and be safe.

How Real Men Use Post-Its

Austrlian Tourism Website

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
______________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca\n which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
______________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Christmas Jokes

How does Good King Wencleslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even!

How does and Eskimo build his house?
'Igloos' it together!

Why is a descant called a descant?
Because sopranos 'descant' sing them!

Did you know that the three wise men came from Yorkshire? It was the only place they could find three wise men together. No, really, it says in the Bible 'wise men came from the East Riding, on camels'.

Oops...

This is a genuine mistake made in Ireland. This was actually sold in the supermarkets - until they twigged!!

Things You'd Love to Say at Work...

1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3 How about never? Is never good for you?

4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

9 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

10 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

11 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

12 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

13 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

14 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

15 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

16 Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

17 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

18 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

19 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

20 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

21 And your cry-baby whiny-a *sed opinion would be?

22 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

23 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

24 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

25 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

26 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

27 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

28 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

29 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

30 How do I set a laser printer to stun?

31 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

32 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

33 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

34 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

35 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

36 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

37 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

38 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

39 Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

40 Have a nice day, somewhere else.

41 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

42 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

43 Don't believe everything you think.

44 Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring

45 The voices in my head don't like you.

46 I like you, I will kill you last.