These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
______________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca\n which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
______________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Friday, 14 December 2007
Christmas Jokes
How does Good King Wencleslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even!
How does and Eskimo build his house?
'Igloos' it together!
Why is a descant called a descant?
Because sopranos 'descant' sing them!
Did you know that the three wise men came from Yorkshire? It was the only place they could find three wise men together. No, really, it says in the Bible 'wise men came from the East Riding, on camels'.
Deep pan, crisp and even!
How does and Eskimo build his house?
'Igloos' it together!
Why is a descant called a descant?
Because sopranos 'descant' sing them!
Did you know that the three wise men came from Yorkshire? It was the only place they could find three wise men together. No, really, it says in the Bible 'wise men came from the East Riding, on camels'.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Oops...
This is a genuine mistake made in Ireland. This was actually sold in the supermarkets - until they twigged!!
Things You'd Love to Say at Work...
1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3 How about never? Is never good for you?
4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
10 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
11 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
12 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
14 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
15 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
16 Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
18 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
20 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21 And your cry-baby whiny-a *sed opinion would be?
22 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
23 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
24 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
26 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
27 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
28 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
29 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
30 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
31 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
32 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
33 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
34 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
35 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
36 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
37 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.
38 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
39 Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
40 Have a nice day, somewhere else.
41 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
42 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
43 Don't believe everything you think.
44 Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring
45 The voices in my head don't like you.
46 I like you, I will kill you last.
2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3 How about never? Is never good for you?
4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
10 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
11 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
12 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
14 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
15 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
16 Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
18 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
20 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21 And your cry-baby whiny-a *sed opinion would be?
22 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
23 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
24 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
26 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
27 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
28 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
29 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
30 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
31 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
32 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
33 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
34 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
35 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
36 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
37 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.
38 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
39 Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
40 Have a nice day, somewhere else.
41 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
42 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
43 Don't believe everything you think.
44 Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring
45 The voices in my head don't like you.
46 I like you, I will kill you last.
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
The Future of Nursery Rhymes?
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh no, it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you muppet.
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its bum
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh no, it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you muppet.
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its bum
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
Friday, 16 November 2007
Imponderables
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people fromHolland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person whodrives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it followthat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny littlespoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them whilethey deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on thoselittle bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeingsection in a swimming pool?
21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that oneenjoys it?
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people fromHolland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person whodrives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it followthat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny littlespoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them whilethey deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on thoselittle bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeingsection in a swimming pool?
21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that oneenjoys it?
Monday, 12 November 2007
Don't You Just Love The Internet!
Dear All,
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat sh1t in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programme ....
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an aftershave sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,00 0 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beauticians relative once removed.
By the way....
a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with a low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat sh1t in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programme ....
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an aftershave sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,00 0 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beauticians relative once removed.
By the way....
a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with a low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!
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