This is a genuine mistake made in Ireland. This was actually sold in the supermarkets - until they twigged!!
Tuesday 27 November 2007
Things You'd Love to Say at Work...
1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3 How about never? Is never good for you?
4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
10 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
11 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
12 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
14 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
15 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
16 Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
18 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
20 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21 And your cry-baby whiny-a *sed opinion would be?
22 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
23 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
24 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
26 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
27 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
28 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
29 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
30 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
31 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
32 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
33 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
34 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
35 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
36 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
37 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.
38 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
39 Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
40 Have a nice day, somewhere else.
41 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
42 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
43 Don't believe everything you think.
44 Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring
45 The voices in my head don't like you.
46 I like you, I will kill you last.
2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3 How about never? Is never good for you?
4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
10 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
11 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
12 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
14 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
15 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
16 Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
18 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
20 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21 And your cry-baby whiny-a *sed opinion would be?
22 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
23 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
24 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
26 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
27 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
28 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
29 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
30 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
31 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
32 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
33 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
34 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
35 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
36 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
37 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.
38 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
39 Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
40 Have a nice day, somewhere else.
41 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
42 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
43 Don't believe everything you think.
44 Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring
45 The voices in my head don't like you.
46 I like you, I will kill you last.
Tuesday 20 November 2007
The Future of Nursery Rhymes?
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh no, it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you muppet.
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its bum
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh no, it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you muppet.
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its bum
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
Friday 16 November 2007
Imponderables
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people fromHolland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person whodrives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it followthat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny littlespoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them whilethey deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on thoselittle bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeingsection in a swimming pool?
21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that oneenjoys it?
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people fromHolland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person whodrives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it followthat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny littlespoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them whilethey deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on thoselittle bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeingsection in a swimming pool?
21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that oneenjoys it?
Monday 12 November 2007
Don't You Just Love The Internet!
Dear All,
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat sh1t in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programme ....
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an aftershave sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,00 0 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beauticians relative once removed.
By the way....
a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with a low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat sh1t in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programme ....
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an aftershave sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,00 0 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beauticians relative once removed.
By the way....
a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with a low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!
Thursday 1 November 2007
Yorkshire Messiah
Most of us are familiar with the words and music of this great oratorio but old Yorkshireman Bill Jones had never been to a performance, and he tried to persuade a friend to go with him t'local Town Hall to hear it but his friend declined.
"Nay," he said, "that sort o'music's nowt in my line. I like a good comic song or a lively jig me, but I reckon nowt to this sacred stuff as they calls it. It's beyond me, that. Another thing, there'll be none of our sort there. It'll be mostly religious folk and swells done up in boiled shirts, and wimmen wi' nowt much on. Nay, you go by thee sen and then you can tell me all about it sometime."
So, Bill went by himself and the next time the old pals met the following conversation took place:
"Well, cum on then ... how did you get on at Messiah?"
"Ee well!" said Bill "It were fair champion. I wouldn'ta missed it for all'tea in China. When I got there the Town Hall were crowded. It were choc full o'folk and I had a job to get a seat but no wonder - it were all them singers -- they took up half the gallery, like. There was a chap larking about on t'organ although he weren't playing nowt in particular, just running his fingers up and down as if he were practising.
Well, after a bit a lot of chaps came in carrying fiddles, then they brought in t'Messiah - well, that's what I took it t'be. It were the biggest instrument on t'platform and it were covered in a big bag. Well, they took the bag off it and then some bloke rubbed its belly with a stick and you should have heard it groan! It were summat like a dying cow!
I was just thinking of going when a little chap came on, all dolled up in a white waistcoat and wi' a flower in his buttonhole, and everything were dead quiet. You could have heard a pin drop! He had a stick in his hand and started waving it about and all the singers stared at him ..... I reckon they was wondering what was t'matter wi' him. Then they all started to sing and they hadn't been going long before they was fighting like cats! I reckon he shoulda walloped one or two of 'em with that stick of his. First one side said that they were t' King o'Glory then t'other side said they were, and they went at it hammer and tongs, but it fizzled out and I've no idea which side won.
Then there were a bit of bother about some sheep that was lost. I don't know who they belonged to but one lot of singers must have been very fond o'mutton 'cos they kept on singing "All we like sheep". I couldn't help saying to a bloke next to me that sheep's all right in moderation but I like a bit o'beef meself, and he looked daggers at me and said 'shhhh' so I shushed.
A lot o'wimmen stood up after that and a load of 'em looked as if they were ...... well ... getting' on a bit, you know. Some of 'em must ha' been 65 if they were a day! They sang "Unto us a child is born" and t'chaps sang back "Wonderful" an' I thought t'meself - Wonderful? It's a bloomin' miracle!
After that they sobered down a bit and sang about a lass called Joyce Greatly. I've never heard of her meself but the chaps had 'cos they all looked mighty pleased about it. Then some bloke got up and said he were the king o'kings, another one said he was and then, blow me, they all started arguing about it. I was getting a bit fed up when everybody stood up to see what was the matter and they suddenly shouted "Hallelujah ..... it's going t' rain for ever and ever". Well, at that I jumped up and made straight for t'door. I'd 'ad me money's worth and besides, I was thinking that if it were going t' rain for ever and ever I'd better get home before the floods came.
Still, it was a real good do though - you shoulda come but, oh, I do hope they find them sheep."
"Nay," he said, "that sort o'music's nowt in my line. I like a good comic song or a lively jig me, but I reckon nowt to this sacred stuff as they calls it. It's beyond me, that. Another thing, there'll be none of our sort there. It'll be mostly religious folk and swells done up in boiled shirts, and wimmen wi' nowt much on. Nay, you go by thee sen and then you can tell me all about it sometime."
So, Bill went by himself and the next time the old pals met the following conversation took place:
"Well, cum on then ... how did you get on at Messiah?"
"Ee well!" said Bill "It were fair champion. I wouldn'ta missed it for all'tea in China. When I got there the Town Hall were crowded. It were choc full o'folk and I had a job to get a seat but no wonder - it were all them singers -- they took up half the gallery, like. There was a chap larking about on t'organ although he weren't playing nowt in particular, just running his fingers up and down as if he were practising.
Well, after a bit a lot of chaps came in carrying fiddles, then they brought in t'Messiah - well, that's what I took it t'be. It were the biggest instrument on t'platform and it were covered in a big bag. Well, they took the bag off it and then some bloke rubbed its belly with a stick and you should have heard it groan! It were summat like a dying cow!
I was just thinking of going when a little chap came on, all dolled up in a white waistcoat and wi' a flower in his buttonhole, and everything were dead quiet. You could have heard a pin drop! He had a stick in his hand and started waving it about and all the singers stared at him ..... I reckon they was wondering what was t'matter wi' him. Then they all started to sing and they hadn't been going long before they was fighting like cats! I reckon he shoulda walloped one or two of 'em with that stick of his. First one side said that they were t' King o'Glory then t'other side said they were, and they went at it hammer and tongs, but it fizzled out and I've no idea which side won.
Then there were a bit of bother about some sheep that was lost. I don't know who they belonged to but one lot of singers must have been very fond o'mutton 'cos they kept on singing "All we like sheep". I couldn't help saying to a bloke next to me that sheep's all right in moderation but I like a bit o'beef meself, and he looked daggers at me and said 'shhhh' so I shushed.
A lot o'wimmen stood up after that and a load of 'em looked as if they were ...... well ... getting' on a bit, you know. Some of 'em must ha' been 65 if they were a day! They sang "Unto us a child is born" and t'chaps sang back "Wonderful" an' I thought t'meself - Wonderful? It's a bloomin' miracle!
After that they sobered down a bit and sang about a lass called Joyce Greatly. I've never heard of her meself but the chaps had 'cos they all looked mighty pleased about it. Then some bloke got up and said he were the king o'kings, another one said he was and then, blow me, they all started arguing about it. I was getting a bit fed up when everybody stood up to see what was the matter and they suddenly shouted "Hallelujah ..... it's going t' rain for ever and ever". Well, at that I jumped up and made straight for t'door. I'd 'ad me money's worth and besides, I was thinking that if it were going t' rain for ever and ever I'd better get home before the floods came.
Still, it was a real good do though - you shoulda come but, oh, I do hope they find them sheep."
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