These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
______________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca\n which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
______________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Thursday 20 December 2007
Friday 14 December 2007
Christmas Jokes
How does Good King Wencleslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even!
How does and Eskimo build his house?
'Igloos' it together!
Why is a descant called a descant?
Because sopranos 'descant' sing them!
Did you know that the three wise men came from Yorkshire? It was the only place they could find three wise men together. No, really, it says in the Bible 'wise men came from the East Riding, on camels'.
Deep pan, crisp and even!
How does and Eskimo build his house?
'Igloos' it together!
Why is a descant called a descant?
Because sopranos 'descant' sing them!
Did you know that the three wise men came from Yorkshire? It was the only place they could find three wise men together. No, really, it says in the Bible 'wise men came from the East Riding, on camels'.
Tuesday 27 November 2007
Oops...
This is a genuine mistake made in Ireland. This was actually sold in the supermarkets - until they twigged!!
Things You'd Love to Say at Work...
1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3 How about never? Is never good for you?
4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
10 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
11 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
12 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
14 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
15 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
16 Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
18 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
20 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21 And your cry-baby whiny-a *sed opinion would be?
22 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
23 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
24 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
26 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
27 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
28 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
29 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
30 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
31 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
32 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
33 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
34 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
35 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
36 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
37 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.
38 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
39 Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
40 Have a nice day, somewhere else.
41 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
42 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
43 Don't believe everything you think.
44 Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring
45 The voices in my head don't like you.
46 I like you, I will kill you last.
2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3 How about never? Is never good for you?
4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
10 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
11 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
12 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
14 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
15 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
16 Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
18 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
20 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21 And your cry-baby whiny-a *sed opinion would be?
22 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
23 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
24 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
26 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
27 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
28 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
29 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
30 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
31 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
32 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
33 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
34 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
35 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
36 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
37 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.
38 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
39 Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
40 Have a nice day, somewhere else.
41 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
42 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
43 Don't believe everything you think.
44 Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring
45 The voices in my head don't like you.
46 I like you, I will kill you last.
Tuesday 20 November 2007
The Future of Nursery Rhymes?
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh no, it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you muppet.
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its bum
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh no, it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you muppet.
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its bum
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
Friday 16 November 2007
Imponderables
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people fromHolland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person whodrives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it followthat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny littlespoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them whilethey deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on thoselittle bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeingsection in a swimming pool?
21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that oneenjoys it?
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people fromHolland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person whodrives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it followthat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny littlespoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them whilethey deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on thoselittle bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeingsection in a swimming pool?
21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that oneenjoys it?
Monday 12 November 2007
Don't You Just Love The Internet!
Dear All,
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat sh1t in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programme ....
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an aftershave sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,00 0 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beauticians relative once removed.
By the way....
a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with a low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat sh1t in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programme ....
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an aftershave sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,00 0 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beauticians relative once removed.
By the way....
a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with a low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!
Thursday 1 November 2007
Yorkshire Messiah
Most of us are familiar with the words and music of this great oratorio but old Yorkshireman Bill Jones had never been to a performance, and he tried to persuade a friend to go with him t'local Town Hall to hear it but his friend declined.
"Nay," he said, "that sort o'music's nowt in my line. I like a good comic song or a lively jig me, but I reckon nowt to this sacred stuff as they calls it. It's beyond me, that. Another thing, there'll be none of our sort there. It'll be mostly religious folk and swells done up in boiled shirts, and wimmen wi' nowt much on. Nay, you go by thee sen and then you can tell me all about it sometime."
So, Bill went by himself and the next time the old pals met the following conversation took place:
"Well, cum on then ... how did you get on at Messiah?"
"Ee well!" said Bill "It were fair champion. I wouldn'ta missed it for all'tea in China. When I got there the Town Hall were crowded. It were choc full o'folk and I had a job to get a seat but no wonder - it were all them singers -- they took up half the gallery, like. There was a chap larking about on t'organ although he weren't playing nowt in particular, just running his fingers up and down as if he were practising.
Well, after a bit a lot of chaps came in carrying fiddles, then they brought in t'Messiah - well, that's what I took it t'be. It were the biggest instrument on t'platform and it were covered in a big bag. Well, they took the bag off it and then some bloke rubbed its belly with a stick and you should have heard it groan! It were summat like a dying cow!
I was just thinking of going when a little chap came on, all dolled up in a white waistcoat and wi' a flower in his buttonhole, and everything were dead quiet. You could have heard a pin drop! He had a stick in his hand and started waving it about and all the singers stared at him ..... I reckon they was wondering what was t'matter wi' him. Then they all started to sing and they hadn't been going long before they was fighting like cats! I reckon he shoulda walloped one or two of 'em with that stick of his. First one side said that they were t' King o'Glory then t'other side said they were, and they went at it hammer and tongs, but it fizzled out and I've no idea which side won.
Then there were a bit of bother about some sheep that was lost. I don't know who they belonged to but one lot of singers must have been very fond o'mutton 'cos they kept on singing "All we like sheep". I couldn't help saying to a bloke next to me that sheep's all right in moderation but I like a bit o'beef meself, and he looked daggers at me and said 'shhhh' so I shushed.
A lot o'wimmen stood up after that and a load of 'em looked as if they were ...... well ... getting' on a bit, you know. Some of 'em must ha' been 65 if they were a day! They sang "Unto us a child is born" and t'chaps sang back "Wonderful" an' I thought t'meself - Wonderful? It's a bloomin' miracle!
After that they sobered down a bit and sang about a lass called Joyce Greatly. I've never heard of her meself but the chaps had 'cos they all looked mighty pleased about it. Then some bloke got up and said he were the king o'kings, another one said he was and then, blow me, they all started arguing about it. I was getting a bit fed up when everybody stood up to see what was the matter and they suddenly shouted "Hallelujah ..... it's going t' rain for ever and ever". Well, at that I jumped up and made straight for t'door. I'd 'ad me money's worth and besides, I was thinking that if it were going t' rain for ever and ever I'd better get home before the floods came.
Still, it was a real good do though - you shoulda come but, oh, I do hope they find them sheep."
"Nay," he said, "that sort o'music's nowt in my line. I like a good comic song or a lively jig me, but I reckon nowt to this sacred stuff as they calls it. It's beyond me, that. Another thing, there'll be none of our sort there. It'll be mostly religious folk and swells done up in boiled shirts, and wimmen wi' nowt much on. Nay, you go by thee sen and then you can tell me all about it sometime."
So, Bill went by himself and the next time the old pals met the following conversation took place:
"Well, cum on then ... how did you get on at Messiah?"
"Ee well!" said Bill "It were fair champion. I wouldn'ta missed it for all'tea in China. When I got there the Town Hall were crowded. It were choc full o'folk and I had a job to get a seat but no wonder - it were all them singers -- they took up half the gallery, like. There was a chap larking about on t'organ although he weren't playing nowt in particular, just running his fingers up and down as if he were practising.
Well, after a bit a lot of chaps came in carrying fiddles, then they brought in t'Messiah - well, that's what I took it t'be. It were the biggest instrument on t'platform and it were covered in a big bag. Well, they took the bag off it and then some bloke rubbed its belly with a stick and you should have heard it groan! It were summat like a dying cow!
I was just thinking of going when a little chap came on, all dolled up in a white waistcoat and wi' a flower in his buttonhole, and everything were dead quiet. You could have heard a pin drop! He had a stick in his hand and started waving it about and all the singers stared at him ..... I reckon they was wondering what was t'matter wi' him. Then they all started to sing and they hadn't been going long before they was fighting like cats! I reckon he shoulda walloped one or two of 'em with that stick of his. First one side said that they were t' King o'Glory then t'other side said they were, and they went at it hammer and tongs, but it fizzled out and I've no idea which side won.
Then there were a bit of bother about some sheep that was lost. I don't know who they belonged to but one lot of singers must have been very fond o'mutton 'cos they kept on singing "All we like sheep". I couldn't help saying to a bloke next to me that sheep's all right in moderation but I like a bit o'beef meself, and he looked daggers at me and said 'shhhh' so I shushed.
A lot o'wimmen stood up after that and a load of 'em looked as if they were ...... well ... getting' on a bit, you know. Some of 'em must ha' been 65 if they were a day! They sang "Unto us a child is born" and t'chaps sang back "Wonderful" an' I thought t'meself - Wonderful? It's a bloomin' miracle!
After that they sobered down a bit and sang about a lass called Joyce Greatly. I've never heard of her meself but the chaps had 'cos they all looked mighty pleased about it. Then some bloke got up and said he were the king o'kings, another one said he was and then, blow me, they all started arguing about it. I was getting a bit fed up when everybody stood up to see what was the matter and they suddenly shouted "Hallelujah ..... it's going t' rain for ever and ever". Well, at that I jumped up and made straight for t'door. I'd 'ad me money's worth and besides, I was thinking that if it were going t' rain for ever and ever I'd better get home before the floods came.
Still, it was a real good do though - you shoulda come but, oh, I do hope they find them sheep."
Monday 29 October 2007
Google - Durrr!
Last Valentine's Day, Google were so busy putting strawberries and chocolate on the special logo, they forgot how to spell their own name (I kid you not, I took this copy from the site on 14th February 2oo7)!
Wednesday 24 October 2007
Offside Rule for Women
In preparation for the World Cup, the "offside rule" explained for women:
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the
shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight"you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!
BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!
I totally get it now!
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the
shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight"you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!
BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!
I totally get it now!
Office Dares
ONE-POINT DARES:
- Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
- To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
- Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
- Walk sideways to the photocopier.
- While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.
- When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
- Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
- Don't use any punctuation.
- Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
THREE-POINT DARES:
- Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
- Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
- Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
- Every time you get an email, shout ''e-mail''.
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout,"dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.
- Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.
- Call I.T. help desk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web-sites.
- Page yourself over the intercom without disguising your voice
FIVE-POINT DARES:
- At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
- Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
- For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".
- Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
- In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up,damn it, all of you just shut up!"
- At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
- During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
- Hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll call you tonight".
Indecisive Day
This was first circulated after the 2000 US Presidential Election
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2001) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
And this is a US rebuttal:
DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA
To the imperialist British colonizers.
In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".
However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.
5. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Britannia ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle in the Wind" again for you guys.
6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".
8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".
9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.
12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
13. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
P.S. — Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2001) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
And this is a US rebuttal:
DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA
To the imperialist British colonizers.
In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".
However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.
5. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Britannia ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle in the Wind" again for you guys.
6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".
8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".
9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.
12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
13. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
P.S. — Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
I Won't Revise
I received this back in 1997 too and as a new student thought it was pretty apt! To the tune of Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive'...
At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
Kept thinking I could never pass with no revision guide,
But then I spent so many nights, getting all the questions wrong,
And I grew strong,
And I learned I could scrape along,
I won't look back, to any place,
When I can swallow 15 cans and get completely off my face,
I would have revised by the clock,
I would have had no spare time free,
If I'd thought for just one second my exams would bother me,
So all my notes, are on the floor,
Don't even matter... that there's no rock night anymore...
Weren't you the one who tried to get me to revise?
You think I'd crumble? You think I'd work towards the skies?
Oh no, not I!
I won't revise!
Unless I die of beer stains, I know I'll stay alive,
Though my money's at an end,
I've my overdraft to spend,
I won't revise,
I won't revise!!
It took all the strength I had, not to act the part,
But in the end my real revision didn't even start.
I used to sit at home at night, feeling guilty to myself,
I used to try,
but now I hold my head up high,
And you see me! Somebody new!
I'm not that mixed up wierd bloke who wants a good 2:2
So if you feel like dropping in, chances are that I'll be free,
Coz I've done sod all revision, and I'm failing my degree,
Oh no, not I!
I won't revise,
I think that I may scrape a third, but I could be telling lies!
Let the lecturers all storm,
My bed's far too nice and warm,
I won't revise,
I won't revise,
Oh dear!!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
Kept thinking I could never pass with no revision guide,
But then I spent so many nights, getting all the questions wrong,
And I grew strong,
And I learned I could scrape along,
I won't look back, to any place,
When I can swallow 15 cans and get completely off my face,
I would have revised by the clock,
I would have had no spare time free,
If I'd thought for just one second my exams would bother me,
So all my notes, are on the floor,
Don't even matter... that there's no rock night anymore...
Weren't you the one who tried to get me to revise?
You think I'd crumble? You think I'd work towards the skies?
Oh no, not I!
I won't revise!
Unless I die of beer stains, I know I'll stay alive,
Though my money's at an end,
I've my overdraft to spend,
I won't revise,
I won't revise!!
It took all the strength I had, not to act the part,
But in the end my real revision didn't even start.
I used to sit at home at night, feeling guilty to myself,
I used to try,
but now I hold my head up high,
And you see me! Somebody new!
I'm not that mixed up wierd bloke who wants a good 2:2
So if you feel like dropping in, chances are that I'll be free,
Coz I've done sod all revision, and I'm failing my degree,
Oh no, not I!
I won't revise,
I think that I may scrape a third, but I could be telling lies!
Let the lecturers all storm,
My bed's far too nice and warm,
I won't revise,
I won't revise,
Oh dear!!
Teletubbies
I was sent this 10 years ago when I was at university. It goes to the tune of Pulp's 'Common People'...
She came from space, she had a taste for custard
She fell over and got very flustered
That's when she
Waved at me
She told me that her name was Laa Laa
I just smiled at her and said "Ha ha"
Cos it rhymed
And then in twenty minutes time
I said
I want to live like the Teletubbies
I want to go wherever Teletubbies go
I want to play with Tinky Winky
I want to play with Dipsy, Laa Laa and Po
And then, what do you know?
She said....."Eh-oh!"
She took me to a flowery golf course
I don't why, there were rabbits everywhere
Or were they...hares?
There was a windmill and a funny lady
And the sun looked like a baby
That laughed
And it wasn't the only one laughing
How bizarre, I said...
I want to live like the Teletubbies
I want to eat whatever Teletubbies eat
I want to pig out on Tubby-custard
I want to munch Tubby-toast ten times a week
But they didn't understand
They just smiled and all held hands
Wear a hat upon your head
Get a handbag that's bright red
Love your friends and give them hugs
Pretend you've never taken drugs
Still you'll never get it right
Cos when you're all tucked up at night
Watching Noo Noo sweep the floor
You can switch it off or watch Channel Four
You'll never live like Teletubbies
You'll never see whatever Teletubbies see
Never have a telly on your tummy
Never get paid a wad from the BBC
Or dance and drink pink goo
Because you've better things to do
Sing along with the Teletubbies
Sing along and you might not feel so blue
Dance along with the Teletubbies
Even though they're much better dancers than you
And do the silly things that they do
Because alien chic is cool...
She came from space, she had a taste for custard
She fell over and got very flustered
That's when she
Waved at me
She told me that her name was Laa Laa
I just smiled at her and said "Ha ha"
Cos it rhymed
And then in twenty minutes time
I said
I want to live like the Teletubbies
I want to go wherever Teletubbies go
I want to play with Tinky Winky
I want to play with Dipsy, Laa Laa and Po
And then, what do you know?
She said....."Eh-oh!"
She took me to a flowery golf course
I don't why, there were rabbits everywhere
Or were they...hares?
There was a windmill and a funny lady
And the sun looked like a baby
That laughed
And it wasn't the only one laughing
How bizarre, I said...
I want to live like the Teletubbies
I want to eat whatever Teletubbies eat
I want to pig out on Tubby-custard
I want to munch Tubby-toast ten times a week
But they didn't understand
They just smiled and all held hands
Wear a hat upon your head
Get a handbag that's bright red
Love your friends and give them hugs
Pretend you've never taken drugs
Still you'll never get it right
Cos when you're all tucked up at night
Watching Noo Noo sweep the floor
You can switch it off or watch Channel Four
You'll never live like Teletubbies
You'll never see whatever Teletubbies see
Never have a telly on your tummy
Never get paid a wad from the BBC
Or dance and drink pink goo
Because you've better things to do
Sing along with the Teletubbies
Sing along and you might not feel so blue
Dance along with the Teletubbies
Even though they're much better dancers than you
And do the silly things that they do
Because alien chic is cool...
Word For Northerners
It's Grim Up North!
Relocating in Northern England is good for business; lots of the starving unemployed eager to work for a pittance of pay and daring not to complain or they'll be out on the street with their dozens of screaming bairns, and their benefits cut for six months.
· But are you really getting the most from them?
· Are they 'as much use as a chocolate teapot' when it comes to the complexities of modern technology?
Research has shown that Northerners aren't as thick as they make out. They just can't grasp the meaning of modern English.
That's why you need our new software package . . .
Word for Northerners!
The installation process automatically modifies their Windows start button
All the usual Word menu options are there, but in a language your Northern England employees can understand
Even the warning messages have changed
And if all else fails, they will have a help facility that folks from Barnsley and Bradford can understand
So what are you waiting for? Me to go to the foot of our stair?!
Buy your employees Northern Word today, and see your profits rise!
For this month only we'll ship Northern Word to you for the incredibly daft price of
Only £59.99 +VAT !
Tha'd 'ave t'be soft in t'head not to say "Aye, champion!"
And that's not all!
Respond to this advert within 10 days and receive free:
Great New Translating Tool!
With this little beauty you can have your employees type in their own language:
Ow do youth, 'ows tha bin?
A mun tell thee that t'clever sods 'ere at Hardwick and Granville 'ave cum oop wi this reet grand gubbins wot can 'elp thee a treet. Its sorta like this great whopping oojah wi' flashing lights an' knobs on an' all wot can do thee addin up faster than thar can spit on a whippet. An' that's saying summat!If tha wants a skeg then get thee arse over t' Wool Exchange on Mundy where wil be showing t'bugga off. If thars a jammy sod then 'appen thar'l even win a prize, so who sez tha dunt get owt for nowt in this world?!
Ah'll sithee then youth,
John NorthernerBloke wot does t'marketing
At a touch of a key Northern Word can convert it into proper English.
Relocating in Northern England is good for business; lots of the starving unemployed eager to work for a pittance of pay and daring not to complain or they'll be out on the street with their dozens of screaming bairns, and their benefits cut for six months.
· But are you really getting the most from them?
· Are they 'as much use as a chocolate teapot' when it comes to the complexities of modern technology?
Research has shown that Northerners aren't as thick as they make out. They just can't grasp the meaning of modern English.
That's why you need our new software package . . .
Word for Northerners!
The installation process automatically modifies their Windows start button
All the usual Word menu options are there, but in a language your Northern England employees can understand
Even the warning messages have changed
And if all else fails, they will have a help facility that folks from Barnsley and Bradford can understand
So what are you waiting for? Me to go to the foot of our stair?!
Buy your employees Northern Word today, and see your profits rise!
For this month only we'll ship Northern Word to you for the incredibly daft price of
Only £59.99 +VAT !
Tha'd 'ave t'be soft in t'head not to say "Aye, champion!"
And that's not all!
Respond to this advert within 10 days and receive free:
Great New Translating Tool!
With this little beauty you can have your employees type in their own language:
Ow do youth, 'ows tha bin?
A mun tell thee that t'clever sods 'ere at Hardwick and Granville 'ave cum oop wi this reet grand gubbins wot can 'elp thee a treet. Its sorta like this great whopping oojah wi' flashing lights an' knobs on an' all wot can do thee addin up faster than thar can spit on a whippet. An' that's saying summat!If tha wants a skeg then get thee arse over t' Wool Exchange on Mundy where wil be showing t'bugga off. If thars a jammy sod then 'appen thar'l even win a prize, so who sez tha dunt get owt for nowt in this world?!
Ah'll sithee then youth,
John NorthernerBloke wot does t'marketing
At a touch of a key Northern Word can convert it into proper English.
Et Voilà!
Dear Mr Customer,
Announcing the new Accounts software from H&G Systems Ltd!
Come along to our stand at the NEC this Monday and see it for yourself!
Enter your business card into the lucky draw for a chance to win a great prize!
Hope to see you there,
John SouthernerMarketing Executive
With this piece of clever software your customers need never even know that you are exploiting a demoralised workforce of ex-miners and ex-shipyard welders desperate to work for your pitiful barely legal wages!
And you'll make a killing!
Testimonial
But don't just take our word for it.
Here are some of the great things people have been sayimg about Northern Word:
"Before we installed Northern Word onto the PC's of all our journalists, no-one outside of the West Riding of Yorkshire would buy our paper. Now even Saath Landoners can understand it!" Editor, Telegraph & Argus
"Thank you for creating such an excellent product! Now my employees can use Northern Word to write out their CV's, as I am making them all redundant next week!" Manager, Bastard & Greedy Ltd
"Phew, what a God-send! Now I can dismiss all the monkeys working in our typing pool, and employ Northerners instead at a much cheaper rate!" N.Other Manager, Screwthepoor & Sons
"Is't tha tekking piss or summat? Ah'll come ovar there and give thee such a clout that
Don't delay!
Buy Northern Word Today!
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